Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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