Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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