i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
