wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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