I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
