i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
