Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
