I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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