I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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