My sheets look like a crime scene.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
