I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize