Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize