Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
