They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
