4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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