I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
