my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
