I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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