Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
