I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
