you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
