i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
