Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
