The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize