He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
