So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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