I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Drake has all the answers
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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