I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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