Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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