Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
