ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
