I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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