Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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