There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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