She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I want a musical about memes.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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