Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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