Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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