Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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