Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
