well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
