Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize