If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
