In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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