after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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