and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
