You're my little dorito
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
