just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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