My first STD was from a foam party
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
