i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
