....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
and she was petting her beer can
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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