he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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