Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
