I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
