If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Randomize
