Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
