I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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