if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
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