So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
