it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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