my phone needs a breathalizer
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
