Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize